jack

i'm at Ds if you need me pierre or anyone. i'll tell renee later. i don't really care for jake anymore i just have to focus on avery. everyone think good thoughts about him too okay maybemaybe something will happen but i doubt it i'm just waiting. he's my only love.

mygod what are they calling her now. i won't stand for it. i wouldn't if i could do ANYTHING ABOUT IT

i can't even begin to think about avery. but i'll have time to maybe since jake isn' talking to me at ALL

i am all alone again i am all alone everyone is gone and avery is dead he has to be dead where is avery where are they where did they go SOMEONE KNOWS. SOMEONE HAS TO TELL ME. SOMEONE KNOWS. SOMEONE SAW THEM SOMEONE TOOK THEM ALL AWAY SOMEBODY KNOWS AND NO ONE IS TELLING ME NOBODY WILL TELL ME BUT I KNOW HE'S BEEN TAKEN AWAY WHERE IS HE FUCKING TELL ME WHERE HE IS TELL ME tell me tell me tell me avery

I CAN DIE HAPPY

happy happy jack.

i will sing a song to anyone who wants to hear one!

sex is good and i knewwwwwwwww it would be well most sex is but some sex is better than other times, those times are wonderful!

JACK IS HAPPY, and not just because i am older than all of you. thank you for my presents, happy birthday renee, and godDAMN my life is awesome.

all clear (?)

they can never know

Okay well um. I haven't updated in a while!

I guess, first thing is, I've been spending more time with Claire. She's a wonderful lady.

The boys and me are good. Me? Is that right? Augusta might hurt me...she's a cook. She wants me to have good grammar, or that's what I figure from the ear pinchings.



happy birthday owen!

i got new shoes today.

everything is a little weird right now but once again my focus is low. not that it stays low like it's supposed to god DAMN it.

I went in on my own. I don't know why. It felt important. They were waiting in the car...what was I supposed to do, give a signal? It felt ridiculous. I felt so stupid. Even though I'd left a message it was like, here I am! Your son! Happy?

He seemed happy.

I can't tell you, whoever you are reading this, what it was like to see him. After everything, he was simply a man. Aging a little. Wearing glasses--so he's the one. He said hello Jack and somehow I forgot my balls and called him sir.

I'd dressed nice, i guess. Maybe a little straight, but it's not like he'd be thinking that, he knows. Spares me extra grief. it was a nice house, he invited me in...did I say he was listed? Phone book, right as ever. Avery smugged about over that, I think, only what he mostly did was cough.

I wanted to like him. He asked about Annabelle. He even had his own kids now. I have a half-brother. Same as Jake. Except this one was all happy and shite, With his mum and his dad and the mum was actually really nice, didn't think it was odd to see me, but she disappeared pretty quick.

Anyway. he asked me to sit down but I stood up and I kept thinking about my cigarettes. i'd left them in the car. I kept thinking Avery would have thrown them out by the time I got back. I asked him to explain...I didn't want to listen and I almost feel stupid now but it was all stupid! None of it mattered none of it when he had left, right?

I introduced my boys. Poor Avery. We were invited for dinner but I shook his hand and said I'd see him later and that was it that was it I met him I touched him I hate him.

I hate him.

I was so jealous of that kid, of his fat happy wife, the clean house--it's too clean, okay? There's no place for me. How is he allowed to be so sad about not having been there, when he didn't come back. How is it okay that he's happy? I suppose he's moved on--well fuck him, I can move on, too.

I'll forget him in London.